havent been able to blog a lot more. im currently writing long hand in a journal offline. seems working though. the internet is a crazier place now than when i started blogging back in geocities days. social media has become too demanding and the pressure to have followers and likes is insane id rather be off it. choz. but i may come back to writing online. jan 14 2019.
this is where i am. this is me
So this post was written in March 12, 2015. and i havent been able to post it, i dont know why. it sat in drafts folder for the last 8 years basically. so im posting this today.
My name is benjamin. I am a hoarder.
It is important to understand one’s weaknesses in order to overcome it. With years of experience, i have no qualms about keeping things that mean something to me. And years after that reason has expired, i still have those items and they have accumulated to a mountain load.
My name is benjamin. I am a pack rat. yes
it was almost never an issue how i would keep things and not throw anything away when i was young. my mother let me rip up tissue napkins and fill up facebook is a treasure trove and one of those days back in march, traction was building up for one marie kondo, a japanese guru on organizing stuff. i began reading up about her work and tried to get a copy of her book, the life-changing magic of tidying up.
so as ive said, this post was written in 2015. im now adding to this post and it’s 2023. i was successful in throwing out loads of stuff over the years, im also successful in keeping the few items that still spark joy. ive also have moved out of our katipunan apartment from 3 years ago and as you can imagine i need to be strategic on what i can keep and what i need to let go because condo spaces are generally small. storage will always be a problem.
one good thing is that i am a production designer for film. i can still keep some items and the rest i donate to my work as a designer. i get to be a hoarder as a designer haha i cant be a hoarder as a person but my work can be that person for me. lol.
so my condo space is a nice curation of items that carlo and i keep (mostly mine) and the rest are out in our work bodega warehouse. over the years too we needed to move warehouses and especially during the pandemic, we had to give up 80% of our stuff coz i couldnt afford the warehouse after 2 years of no clear work.
time to grow up. time to shake off the material wealth that will weigh us down. char! you dont need these in heaven. haha but your time on earth is always more colorful when surrounded by a few carefully selected book collection and small hand-written stories you made when you were 8, like 7 presidents ago.
i cant really explain it but for the last two months, i always have vivid dreams right before i wake up.
every day.
carlo and i get to bed at maybe 10 or 11PM every night. before sleeping we usually watch a few youtube videos (conspiracy theories, erwann’s wonderful featr videos, or pimple-popping or ingrown nail surgeries) or binge-watch series from netflix (superstore), prime video (the boys), or disney (watching encanto the nth time) . we start to really sleep around 2 or 3AM and i know i often have to get up to pee around 4 or 5AM (and sometimes because i need to tuck frida back in her blanket when she returns from peeing in the kitchen).
this means i start dreaming maybe 6 or 7AM. and i kinda wake up at 8am and then when i drift back to sleep for another hour, my dream transitions to another episode or a totally different movie. most of the time these 2 months, my dreams involve work, either preparing to shoot or actual filming. cast of characters differ everyday but involves family, friends, and even a few celebrities (tony danza, wtf).
locations are also very varied and strange and more often than not, i havent been to those in real life BUT it feels very familiar and nostalgic, like a cousin’s house or a childhood classroom. like there was a dream that i was at home (it felt like my house and my bedroom etc) but visually, the house was sprawling and ive never been in anything like it BUT it looked like a home in indonesia and a mix of blumentritt (my lola’s old house), the gusa house (of my tito), and our house in rer. it just feels comfortable. ive never been to indonesia.
sometimes, i tend to be running around doing tasks for a shoot the next day, and im meeting with my sisters or cousins at the same time and swimming in weird pools (if those pools were in brazil or mexico) or beside my high school (if my school was sliced in the middle by a huge earthquake and looked like a coliseum in italy). sometimes i go around a maze of rooms trying to find my artdep staff and chance upon other university friends who need to ride on a big off-road vehicle and all the lighting in the rooms are purple and im suddenly holding a meeting in another side of the metro.
the other day, i dreamt my penis bled while i was asleep so i had like dark dried rings of blood on my arms from trying to cover my erect uncircumcised penis (im circumcised irl) and i was going around my house without pants but all sorts of guests kept arriving. and id just cover my groin with my hands (i dont know why i didnt just dress up haha).
every day i dream of crazy situations that feel like a 90-minute movie or a 1-time episode or spin-off. when i wake up, i try to remember the dream. id try to tell carlo about them but im left with just fragments and the more i partake of my morning coffee, the less i remember what transpired.
so, later when i sleep it’s another opportunity to dream, right? till then. cheers!
i havent been able to blog on anything since 2020. the pandemic happened and COVID-19 beat the hell out of me and everyone. while we survived, the government did a shitty job handling the whole thing. and the elections happened and we all know how things went down south. my mental health went batshit and it’s been a slow climb back out of 2022. in 2023, events surrounding us were still crazy so im just trying to keep afloat really.
so let’s just fill ourselves with some personal updates via photos from early 2022 to now. while we all know a picture is worth a thousand words, we still need 140 characters or so to defend their posting. ive been keeping a 25 foot distance from facebook since 2021 and elon is killing twitter so looks like i might blog for a bit.
got involved in a production designers group since 2020. although the movement basically started 201, the prod designers only got to convene during the pandemic. it’s been a generally slow burn kind of thing pero i guess that’s the only way we can work our way around still doing full time shoots and organizing a guild kind of thing. since the pandemic, everybody has been extremely busy hence no more time for org work but we recognize it doesnt mean theyre deadma na to the goals of the group. birthing pains for sure.
we made it to sagrada familia in barcelona. the unfinished church is indeed a masterpiece, created by people who have a vision for the future. that came along with planning how barcelona itself was built. we want that kind of vision for the Philippines. it was tricky staying in our conqueror’s place. we suffered 300 years under them but also basically learned nothing from them. choz.
ive spoken on twitter about what was one of the things that made me realize i was gay. in my young life, my only access to things were underwear packages in department stores. i didnt understand it then, i was 5 years old after all but those pictures of torsos in their briefs made me all tingly inside. this magazine ad of fruit of the loom in his beautiful teal briefs cemented the realization that i liked men. and undies. and penises hidden behind teal briefs. like, i was 10 at that time. so yes, madlang people. bakla na ako bago ko pa nalaman ano ang bakla.
there’s also a photo of me with a superman poster in our family bedroom. again, as a kid i couldnt explain it but those red briefs were my kryptonite. and also whatever was hidden behind those red briefs. lol
how are we so far? ive begun to loathe toxic positivity during the pandemic and facebook is so full of it. trying to live life off social media because of that. outside work, ive been keeping myself with film guild stuff and laundry. if we had money, carlo and i would be traveling all the time haha but also just thankful we’ve been able to see dipolog, madrid, barcelona, and jeollanam-do korea this year because of work.
ive always been a vampire fan, esp with stoker and rice’s vampire lore. the tv series for anne rice’s interivew with the vampire was amazing and thrilling and sensual like it was in the books. this is the definitive vampire chronicles.
im happy our condo community has a recycling program wherein we surrender clean and washed waste to B.E.S.T. im made a habit out of washing all dirty plastics before segregating, and trying to keep paper clean too. i send the stuff every 4 weeks. this august 2022 trash is an accumulation of i think 2 or 3 months (coz we were shooting and i didnt have time to bring them down). here’s how much trash ive set aside not going to the payatas landfill.
we survived shooting a film (IN MY MOTHER’S SKIN, dir kenneth dagatan) in the gaston house in bacolod city in june 2022. the house was also used as location for peque gallaga’s oro, plata, mata, in 1981. as per the owners, the house was used as shoot location very few times (peque used it twice, and then law fajardo, and then one more local filmmaker) before us.
we had the wonderful experience and privilege to film in this complex. the house owner, monsignor gaston, and his staff, headed by yaya francis, and the monsignor’s family were very welcoming. we were able to ask yaya francis not to cut grass for 2 months and boy did all the weeds grow. wonderful! haha
looking back at all these pictures, my year was colorful din naman. experience was enough to say, it had its moments. and some not so good ones. looking forward to other things because there is no way to go but up, right?
2019 was great but the 2nd half of the year was challenging for us. change in pace, manpower, and because i travelled a lot for my generally non-paying gigs, i realized i was financially in the low.
december made me reassess my choices and the events in 2019. i can only be positive about the coming new year. 2020 brings in so much hope it’s easy to get carried away with all that positive energy. thank God.
in 2020 i aim to be working more because i need money. i’ve a condo turnover this year (been paying for this for the last 5 years and the closing fees are pretty hefty plus i needed to get a bank loan this year). lord knows i also need new appliances and furniture for this.
i have a few film projects as prod designer this coming year, filming outside the phils. this obviously does not automatically mean i get paid more (it kinda does but not in a major major way). it just means we get to experience (again) living in another country for maybe a month or so (shot in vancouver, slovenia, siargao before. love the experience).
i have to go through a change of manpower this year for my team. maybe more like i need to mix it up. this means i also need to train people again and kinda start from scratch. part of me says im too old to be doing this. the other half tells me i nevertheless need to do it anyway so here goes.
my other plans are also not to put too much of my eggs in one basket so im working as a financial adviser as well since last year. this year i still need to find my stride and approach but im committing to this. it’s also means constantly reevaluating myself in the process and it’s both scary and fun. and scary.
on the back of my head i want to do something “easy” and hopefully income generating so i might dive into a small business of making soaps and shampoo bars this year and im asking my niece to help me out with marketing and sales so she gets her hands into a business she can handle. she’s 18 so im hoping this will help her future self.
last week before i left cdo to go back to manila, i talked to my nieces and nephew (aged 25, 18 and 16) about our family’s land properties and told them what it means and what these represent. what a land title is and why knowing who are named in those titles are important but more important is that these will eventually go to them. both my other sister and i dont have natural-born children so the next-in-line to own and take care of these houses and buildings would be them three. it’s sort of the kind of talk i wished my elders shared to us when we were younger.
it’s gonna be 19 years until im technically in “retirement age.” that’s not a lot of time actually. my SSS tells me i will only get around 6,500 pension when i retire. i need to set aside more for living expenses and if and when i get sick. that’s a lot of planning. huhu.
2020 is promising. let’s hope and pray it continues to be positive all the way through 🙂
We are currently in Busan, Korea for the 2nd leg of FLY FILM LAB 2019 bring Joe Bacus’s 2nd feature length film under development, DEVILS IN PARADISE (Mga Yawa sa Paraiso), with me as producer. FLY FILM LAB is under the Busan Film Commission and in cooperation with the Busan Asian Film School (AFiS). Part of our time here in Busan is also presenting the film to the in the LINK OF CINE-ASIA Project Market. So see you at our table! wohoo!
DEVILS IN PARADISE (Mga Yawa sa Paraiso) is a film about a shaman, GAU who seeks to keep his local traditions and culture alive against the growing power of the Catholic Church in his community. His daughter, SEHANA, an apprentice shaman, looks forward to the day she gets to meet her mother, MAULANA, the head ASWANG, someday. Meanwhile, GAU struggles to continue his duties as healer and leader in his community, which is suddenly suffering from a strange disease, when by his own negligence, the shaman one day finds SEHANA killed at the hands of his spirit familiar, the SIGBIN. His guilt throws him into a journey seeking solace and reprieve and stumbles into the realm of the Aswangs where he is forced to face MAULANA who asks him why he came alone.
mabuhey!
been working on the set design for a videos series of an insurance company on wealth management. listening to the agents themselves talk, im pleasantly surprised i can follow and understand a lot of what they are talking about. ive explored on finance management myself (im no expert, duh), reading on (a few) books and trying to understand whatever these finance gurus are talking about. im forcing myself to take interest and understand around 5 years ago and im happy i did.
i still do and i dont think one can take that away but i also forced myself to see bigger pictures and future selves and understand my money today probably wont make it to when im 75 and broke and hungry, given how i spend.
ive taken that road to saving some money for some future self i still need to know and investing on him, too. who is this 70-year old ben (and carlo) and where will they live by then? what will they do and where do they eat and how can they afford to watch movies in cinemas (even if i still hate watching with other people who have no theater etiquette) in the year 2049.
ive slowly taken steps to understand and jusko, im already late in taking that road less traveled. ive shared already to some people in the past and happily theyve taken the advice and the dream and slowly also starting to take care of their kwarta and putting aside things for the future. influenced. charot.
i might take this new-found passion for wealth management to the next level so let’s see if i can influence more people to take the leap and claim bigger goals and ambition and taking care of their future selves!
salzburg is quaint and charming and small. dropped by for a day and a half and only saw outdoor sights but not the bigger museums -which is unfortunate because we love seeing works of the masters aside from all the architecture and food.
we did try catching some of the nearby shoot locations of robert wise’s the sound of music, starring julie andrews and christopher plummer.
we stumbled into the abbey from TSOM by accident and i knew right away it was the same one.
the famous mirabelle garden was still open but this section’s gate was already closed so we couldnt act out that finale of do-re-mi.
the escape from the nazis after the farewell performance at the cemetary was not shot here in st. patrick’s but definitely was the inspiration. they copied the gates and tombstones in a studio.
also checked out the other plazas and streets where they shot at. bought a music box playing eidelweiss for my aunt who’s a huge fan of the film.
got around mozartplatz and also visited where he was born and raised. apparently the music scene in salzburg was too small for mozart so he left for vienna and stay there.
so off we go to vienna!
i live to travel. it’s when im most excited and most calm. i love seeing new sights and recognizing cultural patterns similar to mine apart from learning what is also different. more often than not, we are the same so there is a balance and we as a people are not far removed from our 1st world brothers. this is the beauty of the human race. and i bask in it and distance myself from it at the same time. i will remain wanderlust.
on the train from salzburg to vienna now. mozart was born in salzburg and while he was a prodigy, his talents and works were more celebrated in vienna where the performing arts scene was exploding. i wonder what jose rizal and his barkadas thought about vienna?
slovenia was gorgeous and the snow up in the mountains was a killer. glad we got our snow for our shoot in motel acacia.
excited for vienna. see you in a few!
excited for the coming year. i kinda have an idea about the work that will keep us busy for upto maybe the 3rd quarter but im also excited for the things i still dont know ill be doing. positive about wanting to make some changes and working on advocacies for my community, whatever it will be. solid waste management, financial independence for low-income workers, interior designing, a book, a screenplay, or maybe a business. i dont know. all i know is im excited.
so help me, Lord. thank you!
benjamin padero 